Pay first after dark

Shagtastic

Dirty money

Dirty

Get your VATS out

Naughty words

Pet pleasure

Money where your mouth is

And Finally...

Europe's first brothel catering for women has gone bust. The six male prostitutes running the Swiss brothel found to their cost that many of their female clients refused to pay afterwards. "If they'd operated like a normal brothel and got the money before the sex, they would have been alright," said a German police spokesman. They should have set up in Germany, where sex workers now have the right to unemployment benefit, health insurance and a pension and are entitled to take disputes over payment to court…

... Roads to happiness - become an extreme sports enthusiast. A BRMB survey found that 49% of people thought that abseilers, bungee jumpers and those who went whitewater rafting were exciting and likely to be a hit with the opposite sex.

…meanwhile Italian prostitutes have welcomed the Euro with open, er, arms. Adjusting to having 50 cent euro coins slipped into their thongs instead of the usual 1000 Lira banknote, lap-dancers at the Mille Lira club in Preganziol have started wearing magnetic knickers. "We have commissioned magnetic undies so that the donations will remain attached," said the owner, "rather than having to be inserted elsewhere."… latin women will never be outdone; three women in Bogota, Colombia, persuaded men to lick their breasts, which were smeared with a tranquilizer drug, before stealing their cars and wallets.

…The earnings of pimps are subject to VAT, even though their activities are illegal, after a European law ruling by Mr Justice Jacob. He pointed out that prostitution itself was not illegal and its services are subject to VAT. Robert & Julie Polok, who run the Supreme Escorts Agency in Ashford, Kent were facing a £130,00 VAT bill and lost their appeal on the grounds that since their activities were illegal they wer not subject to VAT...

...The winner of the ninth Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction award was Christopher Hart, for his novel Rescue Me. A sample of the prose: "Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading North. Heading unnervingly and with steely will towards the pole. And, like Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Pamela will not be discouraged."
... A police computer in Hampshire refused to e-mail a list of carols to be sung at a concert because one of the titles chosen was Ding Dong Merrily On High. The machine was programmed not to use the word "dong..."

... The perfect companion on cold winter nights. Introduced in Xmas 1999 as children's playthings, robot dogs can bark, wag tails and shake paws. For 2001 they have a new ability - to induce sexual pleasure. Raunchy gadgetry store Angel Heartz in Nagoya, Japan, has adapted the dogs with assorted sexual paraphernalia, and is inviting customers to try it out. Called the Robot Vibe-inu the toy responds to orders to 'come' and 'stay'. The store has put aside a back room where couples can test Vibe-inu for a flat fee of £20, but beware - the room has a two-way mirror so that single men can pay to watch Vibe-inu in action...

Looking for a sound investment? Get into the British sex industry, which is booming. Sam Roddick (daughter of Anita) has opened Coco-de-Mer, an exotic sex emporium in London; US lap-dancing chain Spearmint Rhino plans to open clubs in Leeds, Liverpool, Brighton, Blackpool and South London in 2002, while the Anne Summers chain plans to open 20 new high street stores.
... But your best bet is probably Erotica, organisers of the annual Erotica Festival at Olympia which attracts 60,00 people spending £3 million. Founder Savvas Cristodoulou is looking for a quick stock market float. He wants to franchise the festival around the world as well as developing a 'kite mark for quality' for sex and fantasy products.

Joke: Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex? Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.